shit fuck shit

how is it possible to gain 4 lbs in one binge?!?!  Last night, I went out after work to applebee's, and of course, my mind goes "oh its fine just eat whatever and get home asap and purge"  well....I got caught up and by the time I got home I couldn't purge.  It was so frustrating.  I felt full, and I tried so hard....but nothing was coming up.  I was so frustrated, but I figured maybe letting myself digest the food would kick-start my metabolism.  Well....I'm 154.2 now.  what. the. fuck.  And today I ate pretty normally, not restricting or purging, and drank a ton of water.  Later in the night, I felt really anxious and just purged anyway.  Now my throat is sore,  I have heartburn, and I had to take a klonopin just to clear my mind a bit.  Plus I have a huge paper I have to get done.  Shit.  Sorry for complaining so damn much, just.....fuck.

Binged

Now 149.2. I should feel ashamed, but I'm too dead to feel anything right now.

Food makes me sick

Not metaphorically speaking, but literally. All I've had we're a few bites of cereal and my body feels awful.

147.8

147.8 this morning. makes it worth the hunger I felt late last night.  Still too much, entirely too much.

So far today...

I've had 5 crackers, a handful of cereal, two cups of coffee, and I'm working on a vitamin water.  I'm not actively trying to restrict but at the same time I know if I start to eat it will end in a binge/purge, and I don't want to deal with that right now.  Me alone with my thoughts is getting to me.

149.2 this morning.  oh thank god.  my parents are leaving on a trip to boston for a few days, leaving me in the house alone.  I know what they're thinking "please don't binge and purge the entire time we're gone"  And I'm gonna try not to.  truth is, I'm fighting the urges so hard already, treatment is just gonna help me do it all the way.  On the other hand, I have no desire to curb my restriction.  hmmmm

Confusing

I think the scale at school and the one at home don't align.  At school, I woke up at 149.6 yesterday morning, walked all day in the city, ate pasta (only thing I ate all day) threw it up, and still weighed in at 150.6 when I got home.  what the fuck??

Hello All

I've wanted to start a blog like this for a while.  I'm Kelly, I'm bulimic, and I just told my family about this eating disorder a week ago.  I'm going into treatment within the next two weeks but my ED voice is stronger than ever.  I guess this is the place to let it out?